Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats
Posted by System Board on Thursday, 21 August 1997, at 10:34 p.m.
1.If you have to throw up, jump on to a chair quickly. If you can't manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is also good.
2.Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the entire evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.
3.For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with yourown.
4.Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
5.For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles.
6.Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it isn't necessary to use it. You always reserve the right to change your mind.
7.If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8.For people doing work, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything moveable off the table, pencils, pens, erasers, etc. one at a time.
9.Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m.
10.When humans are holding the newspaper in front of them, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love surprises.
11.When humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip on your tail in their plate when they are not looking.
Recai Eker (31.08.1998)
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